I Wanna Be an Oscar Meyer Weiner
by Renegader
Summary: The bored cast of Yuyu encounters two psychotic fans, who proceed to pocket the toenails of two members of the cast, wreck Kurama's house, and ruin Hiei's dignity within the span of an hour.
1. Chapter 1: The Weeniemobile

Disclaimer: I only own the Psychos: Kairee and Spazz (Well, technically Kairee owns herself, but...)  
Anyway, if you haven't guessed, I'm Spazz. This story was inspired by DOTBF, another FFN author, and you should check her out. Kairee and I were reading her story "The Joys of Hotdogs and Lemonade" ( I DON'T OWN THAT) at 2 AM some years ago, and it made us think: perhaps we should think about what _our_ adventures with the Yuyu cast would be like. Therefore, I give you the first chapter of IWBAOMW, which was completed at around 3:30 AM four years ago at Kairee's house. I know it's short. You'll deal with that. Shall we begin?

"Yusuke, hold your damn foot still," Kuwabara commanded in frustration, tongue out, and forehead wrinkled in concentration. "I'm having trouble applying the sparkly coat on top of the pink with you kicking like that."

Yusuke's nose was crinkled up, and he was trying by all means not to bust up laughing.

"Sorry, Kuwabara, but it really tickles!"

The four boys, Hiei, Kurama, Kuwabara and Yusuke were in Kurama's room trying to figure out what to do when, after _serious_ debating, all but Hiei had decided that there was nothing better to do than give each other pedicures.

"This makes us all seem like yaoi baka ningens," Hiei muttered bitterly. "I will _not_ have my toenails painted; I hate even being in this _room_ with such foolish behaviors occurring."

"But my toenails do look rather nice, Hiei," Kurama informed the small fire youkai as he gazed at his now shiny purple toenails.

They continued to talk meaninglessly as the two girls watched them readily.

"Got the implements of doom?" Kairee whispered.

Spazz dug around in a mysterious-looking bag and produced two objects that were so shiny they were impossible to see.

"Got em," Spazz whispered back. "You take Kurama and I'll take Hiei."

Kairee nodded in agreement. "I'm taking that bastard out."

"Damn, that's _really_ pink," Kuwabara muttered, staring at Yusuke's toenails. "I think we _are_ getting a bit yaoi here..."

As Kuwabara was busy applying the top-coat to Yusuke's nails, and Yusuke, Hiei, and Kurama were busy watching, the girls snuck up unnoticed behind the two youkai...

"Fantastic," Yusuke grinned once his toenails were finished.

Hiei's feet suddenly felt cooler than normal, and he felt something warm touch his foot.

"AIEE!" he yelled, jumping about ten feet in the air.

Kuwabara and Yusuke turned quickly to see Hiei with bare feet standing poised and ready, eyes wide, staring at a girl who held in her hand a pair of toenail clippers. The girl looked a bit startled from Hiei's sudden yelp.

"What are you _doing!_" Hiei demanded.

"Pocketing your toenails," the girl informed him bluntly.

"Nice going, Spazz," Kairee said from behind Kurama, scaring the living daylights out of him.

"Who _are_ you!" Yusuke demanded.

"I'm Spazz," said the girl who had been behind Hiei, "and she's Kairee. We're Yu Yu fanatics."

"Yu Yu?" said Yusuke blankly. "What's that?"

"It's one of those American toys, you dumb! It's a hunk of plastic on a string!" said Kuwabara.

"Why are you here?' Hiei demanded.

"To collect your toenail clippings," Spazz said, as if it were obvious.

"_Why!_"

"'Cause I'm a psychotic fan! God! What _more_ do you want to know!"

"Why you're so obsessed."

Spazz's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"I told you," She said with clenched teeth, "_I'm a fan!_"

"Everybody run and hide! Spazz has anger issues!" Kairee shrieked. "_Hide! Run away!_ _**Take freaking cover!**_"

Everyone hid under the nearest object, whether it be a pencil (Yusuke) or inside their own shirt (Kuwabara). Spazz's ears grew red, and she looked like she was going to explode.

"_**MEEP!**_" she finally shouted.

"...Is it over?" Yusuke whimpered peering out cautiously from behind the pencil.

"Yeah," Kairee sighed in relief. "She doesn't like repeating herself. That's why all the disclaimers say what they do."

"Ah," said Kuwabara, pulling his shirt over his head the rest of the way.

"So do you have a yu-yu we can play with?" he asked.

"Wait a minute," Hiei said, "This fan fic is dumb. Can I leave? Please? You're probably going to get someone drunk, and that person is always me."

"No," said Spazz, "you can't leave- this is my fan fic and I'll get you drunk if I want to. But not drunk to the point of yaoi-ness, you're creepy like that."

"Thank God," Hiei sighed, "'cause I didn't know where you were going with the pedicures."

Spazz put a finger on her lips.

"Frankly, I didn't either..."

"For the love of sweet snow, ningen! Write _well_ for once!"

"Nah, I'll pass. I specialize at writing shit. Wanna hear my anime couplet about how bad I draw, too?"

"...No, actually. Sounds pretty dumb to me."

"Good. It is. I need some help on deciding who to kill off... Any suggestions?"

Everyone looked automatically at Kuwabara.

"Shit, I'm gonna be killed off _again!_"

Spazz grinned. "Okay, let's continue."

Suddenly, the Oscar Meyar Weeniemobile crashed through the wall and hit Kuwabara, killing him.

"Hot dogs!" Yusuke shouted with joy. "Bologna! Mystery lunch meat! Hell yeah! Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Meyar wiener..."

Kairee smirked. "Well, I dunno know about Oscar Meyar, but you _are_ a wiener..."

Spazz pointed at Kuwabara's dead body and giggled. "_I love it when he dies!_" she shouted with glee.

(A/N): As you probably didn't notice, this is a story from a different FFN account of mine that I completely forgot I had. I deleted it, so don't bother looking for it.


	2. Chapter 2: Victoria's Secret

Disclaimer: {Insert witty disclaimer here}

"Ah shit!" Kurama moaned. "Kasaan is gonna _kill_ me! How do I explain why the _Weeniemobile_ is parked in my room!"

"Hold on Spazz," Kairee said with a frown. "Kurama doesn't cuss. My kitsune would never say shit..."

She snuggled up a bit to Kurama, who backed away nervously with a sweat drop.

"Spazz," Hiei said, "I would also like to know how the Weeniemobile is on the second floor..."

Spazz thought about it, and suddenly the Weeniemobile sprouted wings. "There!" Spazz retorted. "It can fly!"

Everyone else looked at her with sweat drops.

"Hey- this is my fan fic! I can write what I want!"

No one said a word but continued to stare at her like she was insane.

"Okay, resume set," Spazz snapped.

"Where's Yusuke?" Kurama asked.

Nobody responded.

"Hey guys," Yusuke said, emerging from the truck, "I ate everything in the Weeniemobile, and I'm still hungry, so you wanna get some lunch?"

"...It's four AM Yusuke..." Spazz pointed out.

"Oh. Okay. So you guys coming for lunch or what?"

"Can we go to Japanese?" Kairee asked.

"How about Mexican?" Kurama suggested.

Hiei withdrew a knife from his cloak and grabbed Spazz, putting the blade up to her neck.

"Barbecue or the spastic one dies," he growled.

Spazz's eyes softened. "I'd gladly die in your arms, Hiei," she said dreamily.

Hiei put the knife back in his cloak and recoiled from Spazz as if she were contagious. "Japanese it is," he murmured. "As long as we get sweet snow afterwards."

"Definitely," Spazz agreed.

"Has anybody here noticed that Inuyasha's name means female dog demon?" Kairee asked.

Everyone stared at her as she got a sweat drop.

"I'm the one who found that out," Spazz pointed out.

"I always wondered about that," Kurama murmured. "He would make such a pretty girl."

Now it was Kurama's turn to get a sweat drop while everyone stared at him.

"Well, it's true!" he said defensively.

Spazz began to hum to herself, not noticing all eyes on her.

"I think she's gotten smarter in the last five minutes," Hiei noted.

"If she's so smart, then why doesn't she put this up online by herself!" Kairee demanded. "I _hate_ typing it all up!"

"Because of slave-induced labor," Spazz informed her. "I force you to do work while I go swimming-Wait a minute, I take that back. I don't think I know what 'induced' means."

"Go look it up in a dictionary then," Yusuke suggested.

"_You_, bakamon!" Spazz shouted.

Yusuke put on a pouty face and sniffled about it a bit.

"Kami, Yusuke, that pedicure is going straight to your head," Spazz yelled. "You're acting more girly than _Kurama_."

"Hey!" Kurama protested.

"I will not hear my kitsune insulted such," Kairee declared haughtily.

Kurama backed away from her, scared of what she might do.

"ThatsokayIlikebeingcalledgirly," he said so quickly it was one word.

Kairee turned on him coldly, telling him dangerously with her eyes that he was wrong.

"Ha, ha...joking..." Kurama said with many sweat drops.

"I don't think this was in the script," Spazz said, looking over a few papers. "Yeah, I don't die a slow, painful death in here."

She suddenly saw something important.

"Oh, shit! We're late! We're supposed to be at the mall buying Yusuke bras and undies!"

Yusuke rose and punched his fist into the air dramatically.

"To the mall!" he cried.

A few hours later the group emerged from Victoria's Secret, Hiei muttering darkly, Kurama blushing furiously, and Yusuke loaded down with bags packed full of women's undergarments.

"Why did you make us go in there?" Hiei demanded of Spazz.

"I dunno," she said. "I was bored. If you want, I could make you stand on the roof of the mall in your underwear crowing like a rooster."

"Oh please God no," Hiei pleaded.

"Yeah, I won't, it's not in the script. That was a _McDonald's_ roof instead of the mall."

"NOOO!"

And so Hiei's reputation was ruined by some crazy girl with mediocre writing skills who induces slave labor on her friend by making her post it online- that girl is me.

(A/N): Actually, I don't make Kairee post fics online for me anymore; I do it ALL BY MYSELF, because I'm a big girl now. More to the point, if you liked the writing style and characters, I'll be posting another series called "Foobaloobayubikaland" shortly, which will be much the same, but longer and better thought out. Kairee will be so proud of me! *cries*


End file.
